Parents Who Negotiate With Their Children Should Home School

During my conference period today I took a quick restroom break. As I ventured from my hallway to the adjacent hallway where the faculty restroom is, I peeked into neighboring classroom windows. Unbeknownst to many of my colleagues, more than half of each classroom had students engaged in their cell phones. 

Some students hid their presumed activity on social media under the desks - other students texted in the open. I say the activity was unbeknownst to the teachers, but the truth is most of us know when students are on their phones. Some of us are simply no longer interested in the fight that ensues when we demand cell phones be given to us or put away.

Our current learning environment makes it difficult and sometimes nearly impossible for teachers to confiscate phones. Even administrators often struggle to collect phones from defiant students.

Believe it or not, this piece is not about cell phones. This is just a very relatable example.

Many young people are now under the impression that they are equal to adults. They believe that the playing field is leveled and in turn believe that adults owe them an explanation for every single expectation.

As adults, we have done an incredible disservice to our teenagers by negotiating and explaining.

Each day I watch as my social media friends share stories about disrespectful teenagers. They visit their child’s school and before they can make it out of the front office, they catch an earful of vulgarities.

Newsflash: behaviors are created at home.

When you told him to clean up his room and he responded that he would do it later – you gave Johnny all the ammunition to ask his teacher “why” he should take his earbuds out in the middle of first period.

When you told her to put the phone down and finish her homework, but she told you that she was just talking to her friend about something that happened during lunch, you allowed her to think that the hall monitor telling her to not take her chips outside of the lunchroom was simply making a suggestion.

If the school calls and reports that your son’s phone has been collected and he will need $15 to retrieve it, but your response is: “he says his teacher uses her phone,” you are implying that your child has the same privilege as a professional. Should we assume that in your house, he doesn’t have to go to bed when you tell him to, because you and your husband stay up late as well?

Each time she rolls her eyes or tells you to “chill,” – you further perpetuate a culture that suggests directives can be ignored and negotiation is welcomed.

Disrespect can be both subtle and blatant.

It was once unheard of to curse in front of an adult, especially a teacher in a school setting. It’s almost common practice now for students to brush past the substitute teacher on a cane, while screaming obscenities down the hall.

We can’t hit them. We can’t curse them out. We may be recorded if we become belittling or borderline condescending.

As a teacher who actually adores teenagers and watching them develop perspectives, I will be the first to admit that I piss 16-year olds off at least one dozen times per day. But even I have grown tired of correcting the “huhs” and the “yeahs” from children that I didn’t birth.

I can’t help but wonder if many of our young people involved in heinous crimes got “caught up” because they thought that they could negotiate their way out of drug deals and robberies gone wrong. When we fail to say “no” and stick to it, we create a false sense of entitlement in young people. This translates into bigger predicaments whether you care to acknowledge it or not. Many young people will see things they want and begin to plot ways in which to acquire such things.

Is there a perfect method of parenting that will eliminate such poor decision-making? Of course not, but one of the worst things you can do as a parent is create in your child the idea that there are no consequences for their actions.

Teachers aren’t supposed to rear your children. We aren’t supposed to love them like you love them. We respect them as human beings. We care about their intellectual growth. We want them to become productive citizens. But they leave us after 187 days.

If every request you make is followed with a negotiating fight until you grow tired – please home school. It’s that simple.