We Should All be Tired of Watching Black Women Forgive

Dennis McKinley and Porsha Williams

Image: Gossiponthis.com

For some strange and unforeseen reason, this Sunday night my television ended up on Bravo and I found myself watching an hour of the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

While I’d like to reclaim that hour of my life, I cannot.

The scripted reality didn’t disappoint when it comes to drama and comedic ignorance, but in the final 15 or so minutes – my entertainment became pure sadness.

As wealthy and prominent as some of these women are, so much of their storyline can’t avoid the real life narrative of forgiveness that they live and breathe because of the men in their lives.

Case in point – Porsha Williams.

Regardless of her claim to fame, her first failed marriage and her less than intellectual moments on the show over the years – Williams is a beautiful and charismatic woman. At 37, she welcomed her first child last season – a baby girl. While pregnant, apparently her fiancé Dennis McKinley cheated on her.

This season Williams is dealing with the disappointment. McKinley is apologizing, citing a lack of adequate sex during her pregnancy as reason for his indiscretion.

Tonight’s show ended with the two riding away from a counseling session, flirting and smiling. Of course the show is a prerecorded taping, but you’ll be happy to know that the two are apparently back together. Porsha forgave Dennis and now we can proceed to “liking” the pictures on her baby bump on Instagram.

Be happy for them or be quiet, right? It’s not our business what she felt in her heart was the right thing to do, right? But what about when it does becomes your business? What do you do when you finally realize that the women you know as grandmother, mother, sister, daughter, best friend and mentee are settling for lives built around forgiving men for their mistreatment and indiscretions?

Do you just continue to buy them Mother’s Day cards that commend them for their strength? Do you sing their praises publicly because they’ve endured so much?

We should all be tired of watching black women endure so much. Why the hell do we clap so loud when the black woman forgives?

This weekend I spoke to a 22-year-old young black woman patiently counting the days until her boyfriend is released from jail. She recently got a new apartment, has decorated it nicely for his return and is stocking the closet with a welcome home wardrobe for him. He’ll spend a lot of time in that home, since he chooses to sell drugs as opposed to working a blue collar job, so she wants it to look nice for him. When she calls him in the jail he gives her attitude, questions who all she has been hanging out with and tells her to go visit HIS kids. She believes his last bout of cheating was the last time and that when he comes home this time - all will be well.

Right now, someone is calling her stupid. Others are calling her loyal and strong.

On Friday, a 40-something year old black mother sat sideline watching her sons play football for their high school. She needed to talk, so she opened up to the fellow mom next to her during halftime. More than half of her life has been spent with their father. Their marriage – while she emphasizes is recognized by God, she doesn’t recognize more than two happy moments. Her husband works and he comes home every night, but he’s unpleasant more often than not. He wants everything his way and has never cared much about her happiness. But she’s not convinced she can support her children alone financially. The pastor has emphatically told her that marriage isn’t something she can just give up on. The world has convinced her that she would be wrong for leaving him and demanding child support since he lives in the home and shares the financial load. So she stays. She plans to stay and has accepted that she is supposed to be unhappy.

Since she asked us for help on Facebook, let’s talk about it: the woman who just entered her 30s and isn’t struggling one bit to raise her two children. She has a great job. She travels. Her children are both well versed on many subjects and cultured. Like any honest adult, she admits that she wants both love and affection. The father of her children, however, has this incessant tendency to cheat. He is who she knows. People love their photos together on social media. They have this “ghetto love story.” She’s contemplating his return to their home. “Go on and let that man back in the house,” one woman jokes on her Facebook status. “You know you love him.”

I’ve always wondered what the men who grow up watching their mothers be mistreated, neglected and taken advantage of by men actually think of women. Time has shown me that many of them adore their mothers and see their sacrifices, so I won’t question their affinity for mom. But what do they really think about women? Do they have some sort of role they want women to play in their lives?

Sure, women cheat too. Those are usually the ones who, when suspected of stepping out are gutted like fish because men can’t handle such indiscretion. Sure, forgiveness is personal and needed in order for one to grow and move on internally. But aren’t we tired of celebrating a black woman forgiving and settling?   

Maybe Porsha Williams got even. Maybe she’s content with having a man in the industry and uninterested in taking care of a “broke” man. At the end of the day, Porsha is rich. She doesn’t need ol’ Dennis’ money. If she wants a break from the baby, she can afford stellar care for her child while she takes a mommy-vacation. Think for a moment about the devoted mothers around the world who pray for their lives to be extended every single second, because they know that without them living, breathing, working and sacrificing for whatever reasons – their children stand no chance. These are the women that society has convinced must not be so quick to let their men walk away.

Our time on earth is but a span. How is it that we promote genuine happiness in every dynamic of life except where it concerns the black woman? Her happiness is packaged with stipulations, contracts and scrutiny. It’s exhausting. Maybe the black woman is just incredibly good at forgiving, but she doesn’t forget. Will settling and phony contentment manifest into bitterness and resentment? What health problems might that lead to?

We should all be tired of watching black women endure so much.

The saddest realization of it all – a black woman will be the one to disagree with everything I’ve said here.