Several times in a Facebook day I feel a great sense of empathy for so many of my black sisters in the world. Not only are so many disillusioned by the men in their lives, but more than several are on a continuous path that distances themselves for their worth.
Case in point: the number of women who find a man obsessing over his daughter’s virginity to be active parenting.
For many women, the various ways in which they are being used and disrespected by the “men” in their lives is still a mystery to them and ever-so-evident to those of us on the receiving end of the flirtation and aggression via our inboxes. For other women, it almost seems like a willful dismissal of disrespect in order to keep those male figures in their lives.
I’ve lost count at this point of the alarming number of women who will “like,” “love,” cosign and share the hell out of male posts that bash women and offer misogynistic narratives.
Last week Clifford “TI” Harris shared in a radio interview that he accompanies his 18 year-old daughter to the doctor to ensure that her hymen is still intact. While I’ve since deleted all remnants of the egotistical rapper from every electronic device I own, I can’t bring myself to delete the women that I so desperately want to support both on social media and in life in general.
What TI has admitted to doing is beyond intrusive. He seeks control, but calls it “parenting.” While I would love to know what his wife thinks of this practice with her stepdaughter, I’m sure I have an idea where her responses would start and end considering her marriage of forgiveness regarding Harris’ indiscretions.
As much as I’d like to drag the short rapper through the mud, I won’t. Neither my opinions, nor my words will change his mind or his money. My concern is for the black women, raising black children (especially girls). In the days since TI made his public statements about his daughter’s hymen, so many women have come to his defense.
“He’s just being an active parent.”
“How else is he supposed to ensure that she is still a virgin?”
“Those of you who think he’s wrong clearly didn’t have an active father.”
Whose business is a woman’s body? Even with the most active parents in the world, a girl experiences the harsh realities of puberty and menstruation all alone. No one, not even the greatest of physicians can conceptualize a woman’s innermost thoughts and physical experiences like that woman herself. The female body is a very personal revelation in itself. Aware of this, a real parent, guardian or a unified support system must teach a young girl to hone ownership over her body. She must be encouraged to value her body for all that it is and can reproduce. Neither a girl’s hymen or a woman’s hymen is the business of any man.
This shouldn’t need to be explained to adults who are raising children, but considering we live in a culture where retention of decency and respect are abyss, allow me to reiterate a few things. There is a fine line between being protective and being controlling. Men will often lean their weight on the side that they can most easily manipulate. Men know when women simply crave their presence for the sake of having a man around. Many will take advantage of that setup, but secretly resent the charity of it. Their insecurity can and will take on many forms: physical abuse, emotional reclusion, infidelity and/or hoarding explicit authorities over both women and children.
Far too many women are willing to look beyond what they know to be invasive and instead condition themselves to believe that they are being cared for by controlling men. This happens to both women who grew up with active fathers and those who did not. There is much irony in the fact that women who teach their daughters to use discretion about their menstrual cycles, dress modestly and channel their anger positively are somehow still open to the idea of a man questioning the status of a girl’s hymen.
What message are we sending here? In essence you’re telling girls to be secretive about their growing pains and burdens, but at the same time answer to men about their bodies. Always.
Should TI’s daughter prove to no longer be a virgin, what will he do to her? Will he punish her for being a sexually explorative creature? Does he look at his “baby girl” as being damaged and no longer this pristine being for some man to have his way with once she becomes his possession (excuse me, “his wife.”)?
Girls I mentor and girls I teach often share with me stories about boys texting them some very sexually suggestive requests. When I know the boys, I will sometimes ask them why they consider such things to be appropriate. As the years go by, I find myself hearing more girls say, “I’m afraid to tell my parents that I’m getting theses messages.” On the other hand when I tell the boys that I’m thinking of telling their parents, they shrug their shoulders or laugh it off, almost as if to say they know nothing will happen or that their punishment will be minimal.
Before anyone inserts “girls are aggressive too,” – yes, I’m very well aware of that. I’m also all too familiar with how condemning society is of both girls and women who are sexually assertive. That’s another conversation beyond “hymen patrol” for another day.
While I do appreciate that I can have healthy and non-argumentative conversations with my social media friends, I did get some disturbing messages about this topic away from the public posts. One message in particular really stood out to me: Well how else is a parent supposed to check to make sure their child is a virgin?
It’s 1:33 p.m. on a Wednesday, as I sit at my desk and type this. Do you know where your child is? At 4 p.m., when the final school bell of the day rings – will you know where your child is? At 10:30 p.m. will you know whom she’s texting in her bedroom with the door closed? Do you know her plans for the weekend? Do you know how he talked to his teachers throughout the day? Do you know the type of candy she snuck and ate while the teacher wasn’t looking in 3rd period? Do you know how many pictures he has posted to social media with his middle finger to the sky? Do you know where he got that Gucci belt that you didn’t buy? Do you know the two girls who gave him the decorations on his neck behind the portable while he was waiting for you to pick him up Tuesday afternoon? Do you know about the picture of his penis that he sent to her only after she sent him the picture of her breasts that he requested?
You probably don’t have an answer to each of these questions. Maybe you struggle with trying to be an active parent, while not being an overly intrusive parent. There is nothing wrong with wanting your child to enjoy having you as a parent. Your job is not to surveillance a teenager’s every move, but instead to actively participate in the practice of making healthy decisions.
We learn most of what we don’t want in this life by making mistakes. We are creatures of exploration. The way that this America is set up, your child spends more than half of the week at school. You spend just as much time and more at work. The rest of the time, adults stress over how to balance family and work, while paying down debt and trying to maintain a degree of health. Making time to check your daughter’s hymen does not teach her to abstain from sex with boys. It teaches her that you will invade her privacy in a way that you cannot invade her brother’s privacy.
Mothers need to be stern and direct with their daughters about how many boys will view them as a conquest. Teach them to value their bodies and to always exhort authority over their bodies. No woman, however, should ever allow a girl to think that she has to answer to a man (her father included) about her body. That very blunder opens the floodgates for a life of domestic violence and passivity.
TI is a hypocrite. Unfortunately his way of thinking mimics the thinking of many (not all) black men. Collectively, these men are only allowed to continue their biased conversations and practices because women allow it. This young woman’s mother shouldn’t allow such a practice. His wife should speak against this practice. Sadly, and I do mean disgustingly sadly – so many women continue to misconstrue a male presence and a male voice, with positive male influence.
The children are watching the way we treat one another and especially the way we allow ourselves to be treated.
