We’re Blaming the Parents Instead of the Pedophile

Clearly “Surviving R. Kelly” ruffled some feathers when it premiered on Lifetime Thursday night. Everyone has an opinion about everyone else’s opinion.

The one consistent question appears to be: Where were the parents?

The parents of R. Kelly’s victims definitely share some of the responsibility for all of this, but let’s not lose sight of the predator.

While we should be more focused on R. Kelly’s blatant acts of molestation, I’ll indulge in this question about parents for a few paragraphs.

When I return to work on Monday after a much needed holiday break, my students will tell me stories about outings at the mall, Christmas dinner shared with their boyfriends/girlfriends, road trips and nights at the park. I’ll overhear them discuss dramas on SnapChat and their teenage romances that thrived and then died during the two weeks away from school.

Some of my students and some of your children have walked in and out of your homes all break long, simply saying “I’ll be back.” All day, each day they’ve been away from home. Some have told you where they were going and some actually went there and came directly back home. Others told their parents where they were AFTER they got there via a text message.

This is no attack on parents. You can’t be everywhere. You have to work. And as much as you want to be respected by your children, part of you still wants them to like you. I get it.

Where is your teenager right now? Maybe you do know. Kudos to you. But do you know who your teens are with and what they’re talking about? No. Do you know every single text message your teen receives - those deleted and those saved? Probably not.

Just like many parents aren’t aware of the vulgarities that their teens spew at school because they don’t use it at home - many parents have no idea what content and communication teens are entertaining.

Where were the parents when R. Kelly was soliciting sex and basically holding minors hostage? Valid question. 25 years ago we didn’t have the technology, nor the resources that we have now. But we definitely had curious teens and unassuming parents. Back then we called them overprotective. Some of my peers resented their parents for not allowing them to go to football games, attend parties or spend the night at a friend’s house. Some of your parents were overprotective and you promised yourself that you wouldn’t be that way when you had kids. Today the overprotective parent is chastised by the parent/child besties.

Mothers: pick your favorite male celebrity today. If he came to your city on a promotional tour and took a photo with you and your 17 year old daughter - how elated might you be? If he offered your daughter, an aspiring actress the opportunity to intern and potentially be featured in a film - would you say no? Or would you consider it an opportunity of a lifetime? Would you quit your career and accompany her unpaid to ensure that everything was in order?

Don’t answer that.

Fathers: I would pose a similar scenario to you all, but I already know the response. “If a man touched my daughter - I’d kill him.” The irony is, not enough of you are angry unless it is your daughter. Just a girl being molested isn’t enough - she has to somehow be connected to you to evoke such rage.

Again, I hope you are reading carefully - this is not an attack on parents. I meet and work with honest and hardworking parents each day, who want nothing more than to raise happy and successful children. My concern is this “where were the parents” narrative. You have a pedophile, a rapist, a sick man preying on young girls and all that the public can ask is “where were the parents?”

Maybe they weren’t active enough. Maybe they were too passive. Since when did becoming a parent equate to having all of the answers?

You clothe these children. You feed these children. You see that they make it to school. You teach them right from wrong. You go to work hoping that they don’t depart from such teachings, but are you ever really secure that they will not go wayward? This has to be the scariest dynamic to raising children. This is also why I’m utterly confused that so many 2019 parents are posing the question: Where were the parents?